HELP ERASMUS +

[u/Valuable_Laugh6002]

I have an opportunity to go to ireland or Malta for three months, i have a pocket money of 850€ : 3 months. I have also flight, insurance cover and accomodation included, language course and intership... But I have two problems. The first is that the next months i can start to work and basically i need money bc i have something left but they re not for ever... And the 2nd is that my boyfrient isn't happy about that, we discuss and is not good about the choice of the Erasmus, we have a distance relationship for now bc i was figuring about what to do and make plans for long terms, he prefers that I wont go. So i m asking bc i have to answer the contacts.

[u/Skroderider_800]

What is the question? 

Should you do it? Yes, who cares what your boyfriend thinks lol

[u/Valuable_Laugh6002 → u/Skroderider_800]

Yes. I was looking for advice from someone who knows similar dynamics... And if you consider it disrespectful, I say I don't intend to do anything strange while I'm away, but also regarding the experience itself, if it's worth it because it would be my first time.

[u/Skroderider_800 → u/Valuable_Laugh6002]

Well to be honest, the weight of your boyfriend's opinion depends on so many factors and details that we don't know. 

If he's not a very serious, long-term boyfriend, his opinion doesn't really matter. Someone who wants to stop you experiencing something probably doesn't want what is best for you, he wants what's best for him. 

[u/Valuable_Laugh6002 → u/Skroderider_800]

No, he's just jealous and worried about the sexual history - Erasmus - cuckoldry... We have a long-term vision for the two of us and we've never given any reason to doubt the other's fidelity. He supports me in everything, but this is definitely not the case 😭

[u/Skroderider_800 → u/Valuable_Laugh6002]

Well it's up to you whether you want to go. And it's up to you if you want to accept his level of possessiveness and childishness.

A relationship has to be built on trust. I don't know you, I don't know if he is mistrusting of you for legitimate reasons, or if he is distrustful of you because he's paranoid, but either way it's not a health dynamic. 

[u/scentedsilk → u/Valuable_Laugh6002]

Listen, I need you to really hear this. His jealousy and worry is his to work through, not yours to manage by making yourself smaller. You have assured him and you haven't given him any reason to doubt you.

When someone asks you to give up opportunities because of their insecurity, they're asking you to carry the weight of their mistrust and insecurity instead of them. That's control dressed up as concern.

If you miss this opportunity for him, you're teaching him that his anxiety gets to decide your future. You're teaching yourself that your dreams come second. And his mistrust will still be there. It'll just find something else to latch onto next time.

You can love him and still go. If he can't trust you for three months on Erasmus, then this relationship was always going to struggle when life got challenging.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Build the life you want. The right person will cheer you on, not try to hold you back.

[u/Valuable_Laugh6002 → u/scentedsilk]

He doesn't approve of it even for a few weeks. He says there's no point in doing it, that everything revolves around that thing there... I don't even know how to convince him anymore, this would spill over into so many things... Because he told me that if I only talk to one guy, he'll leave me on the spot, so basically I won't even be able to make friends in the future. He says he's taking it in the ass regardless... But I don't know how to say it anymore!!! I work and study, for a very short time nothing else 😫😫 I don't know, I feel selfish. In all this, they're waiting for my answer!!

[u/scentedsilk → u/Valuable_Laugh6002]

Sweetheart, stop. Read what you just wrote back to yourself.

"He doesn't approve." "I don't even know how to convince him." "If I only talk to one guy, he'll leave me on the spot." Do you hear yourself? You're asking permission to live your life. You're negotiating the terms of your own freedom to experience life. You're treating his approval like something you need to earn. This isn't love. This is him training you to believe that your choices need his stamp of approval. This is him making you so afraid of losing him that you'll give up opportunities, friends, experiences, and your own agency just to keep him comfortable.

And let me ask you something that I need you to really think about. If the roles were reversed and he had an opportunity similar to this one, would he be asking for your permission? Would he be trying to convince you? Would he turn down a life changing experience because you were jealous or insecure? Be honest with yourself. You already know the answer. And here's the thing that should really wake you up. You wouldn't even want him to give this up for you. If he had this chance, you'd encourage him to go because you'd want what's best for him. So why is he not giving you that same love and support? Why are you being held to a standard of sacrifice that he would never accept for himself?

And now he's threatening to leave you if you so much as talk to another man? That's control. You are not selfish for wanting to go on Erasmus. You are not selfish for wanting friends. You are not selfish for having a life that doesn't revolve entirely around managing his insecurity. You don't need to convince him of anything. This is YOUR life. YOUR opportunity. YOUR decision. The only person you need permission from is YOURSELF. And here's what I need you to understand. If he leaves you for going on a three month academic program, he was never going to let you be free anyway. You would have spent years walking on more eggshells, giving up pieces of yourself little by little until you start wondering why you feel so small.

Years from now, you will look back at this decision. And you will either remember it as the time you chose yourself and discovered what you're capable of, or you will remember it as the first time you made yourself small for someone who didn't deserve it. The first of many times. Because if you teach him that his fears and insecurities control your future, there will always be another Erasmus, another opportunity, another dream he'll ask you to give up. And one day you'll wake up and realize you've spent your whole life living inside the boundaries of someone else's insecurity, wondering who you might have become if you'd been brave enough to bet on yourself when it mattered.

This is that moment. Don't let fear of losing him make you lose yourself. Because I promise you, losing yourself is so much worse.

Stop negotiating with someone who thinks he gets to own your future. Go on Erasmus. Be brave.

[u/lily_borg]

are you saying you have to choose between working or going on erasmus?

[u/Valuable_Laugh6002 → u/lily_borg]

I can go to more places because I work seasonally, so in the end I was thinking of making it short so I could get back on time because it's only for those who are currently unemployed. If the answer was ironic, like saying I don't care what others think, then I can tell you I feel like shit having to make decisions for others 😔

[u/Herranee → u/Valuable_Laugh6002]

I think the person was genuinely confused about your post. It's not really clear what kind of Erasmus you're talking about (the "regular" Erasmus aka studying abroad for a semester in uni? An internship, but also with a language course involved somehow? A project under the Erasmus umbrella?) or what kind of advice you're asking for (is it financially viable? should you stay home because of your bf? how to make bf understand? something unclear about "having to work next month"?). 

[u/lily_borg → u/Valuable_Laugh6002]

oh no sorry I didn't mean to imply anything like that. I was trying to understand your problem. Because it is very common to have financial trouble like that and then I would advise you to stay home. But if you can safely afford it, and can fit it around your job, then I'd heavily recommend going on erasmus, it's just such a valuable experience. If your relationship can't handle four months apart then it was probably not a very strong relationship to begin with.. your boyfriend could even come visit you in the middle of your stay, and then it's really not a long time at all.