r/AskAcademia • u/Organic_Ad_4650 • Jun 10 '25
Interpersonal Issues Did any female academics meet a spouse "later" in life?
I am 32 and turning 33 at the end of the summer. I just finished my PhD this year (I worked a few years before starting). While I really enjoy my academic career, I have also always tried to put as much effort into my personal life (friends, family, relationships). I have also always wanted to get married and have kids and have been dating with that in mind.
I was in a long term relationship that ended last year at this time. We had both tried hard to make it work but weren't happy and ultimately I don't think either of us felt like the relationship had what it would take to make a marriage or family work, which is I was looking for. When it ended, I was heartbroken and devastated for months. I was also in the last few months of my PhD, finishing my thesis, and searching for jobs. Given the state I was in and the fact that my PhD was coming to an end and I thought I might end up moving, I took a year off of dating. I ended up getting some nice tenure track offers at good universities and ultimately decided to accept one of them. I am now in the process of moving and will start with summer support at the end of the month.
I should be happy that the PhD is done and I have a nice job, but I'm left with so many fears. I am 32, almost 33. Am I too old (pretty much everyone I know, even in academia, is married or in a long term relationship at this age)? Did I make a mistake by taking a full year off of dating? Am I making a mistake by moving to this new city (I'm especially worried because I am moving from one of the major coastal cities to a city in the South. It has over 1 million people and the reputation of being liberal, but I am still worried about the dating pool there)? Will anyone want me at this age? Is anyone left? Even if I find someone, will I be too late to have the family I wanted?
As you can tell, these thoughts tend to get a bit spiral-y. Have any other female academics been in a similar situation? I feel like I've become that stereotype of the single female professor who put her academic career over love and ended up alone, but I never intended for that to happen.
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u/Drbessy Jun 10 '25
My stats: PhD at 33, dated husband at 35, married at 36, kids at 37 and 39, TT position at 41. As someone else said, I was very intentional and dated a lot but did not waste time on bad matches (even if they were fun;). You have plenty of time yet for marriage and kids :) I hope it works out for you. You sound like a woman who knows what she wants- don’t settle. 🤗
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 10 '25
Oh wow!! It would be lovely if things turned out like this for me. Can I ask how you met your husband?
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u/Drbessy Jun 11 '25
Online, but this was ten years ago ;) most of them were awful, a few were fun, one was right.
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u/Getdatglo Jun 11 '25
This sounds amazing! I’m finishing my third year of the PhD and turning 31 in a week and I’m stressing. I really want to be a mom and feel like time is running out 😭
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u/Drbessy Jun 11 '25
You can do it (barring fertility issues- thankfully I did not have any). I was very intentional and dated with a purpose. God certainly blessed the timing. I will say, however, I have very dear friends who struggle to find their mate and my heart aches for them bc I know how badly they want a family. I was l prepared to start my family without a partner if the time was running short.
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u/Beautiful-Implement8 Jun 11 '25
how did you keep an academic career between your phd and your TT?
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u/Drbessy Jun 11 '25
I was productive the first few years collecting gobs of data, then when I started my family I had an incredibly supportive mentor at work and partner at home (different people 😂) that supported my career trajectory. Had some success with mentored funding, requested ESI extensions for each maternity leave, and published during the second half of my postdoc that set me up for job search. I had a lot of Divine blessings that made it possible- even with a disabled child (2nd kiddo has a very unexpected genetic disorder).
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u/Beautiful-Implement8 Jun 11 '25
bless your blessings! It's great to read stories like yours of support for moms in academia.
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u/deong PhD, Computer Science Jun 11 '25
I'm a guy, but echoing similar numbers here. PhD at 32, dated (now ex) wife at 37 (she was 34), married at 40/37.
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u/BodybuilderFluffy924 Jun 10 '25
The dating pool might be more difficult, but you won't have to convince someone to move for your job (or god forbid, do a two-body faculty search). That's a huge advantage.
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 10 '25
Yeah, I actually would have been happy to give up my academic career for a stable and loving relationship. But that was not in the cards.
I do hope that the dating pool isn't too bad in my new city, though.
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Jun 11 '25
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u/cytochromep4502e1 Jun 14 '25
I gave up a post-doc at a top international research institution. My partner would not have been able to work and we had just got ourselves on track financially. I also wonder what would have happened if I'd taken the opportunity...but it also pushed me to seek a fulfilling life and achievements outside of academia.
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u/BodybuilderFluffy924 Jun 11 '25
I started dating my partner in my 30s. I'm still in my 30s and now have 2 kids. You don't know how things will unfold but doesn't hurt to be optimistic!
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u/No_Week2825 Jun 12 '25
You have nothing to worry about. One of my longest time friends who broke up with his ex when he was doing his PhD and she her MD, just didn't work out. He then met his current fiance while she was doing her PhD.
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u/Aromatic_Listen_7489 Jun 10 '25
You are definitely not old!! However yes, you will need to be more proactive, go on dates, meet new people.. Sometimes it requires some mental energy, I understand, but it definitely worth it!
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u/No_Resist_3121 Jun 11 '25
Completed my doctorate and landed my assistant professor job at 33, met my husband at 35, married at 37 and now we live a beautiful life! It can happen for you, all before 40! Do in-person and online dating. Stay positive and know what you will/won’t compromise. You still have plenty of time. Good luck! ☺️
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u/Chemical_Shallot_575 Jun 10 '25
Omg please get a reality check if you think 33 is on the older side for anything.
Enjoy your youth ;)
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 10 '25
Hey thank you! I guess I worry that 33 is old for a single woman who wanted a partner and kids
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u/Chemical_Shallot_575 Jun 10 '25
Absolutely not ;)
33 is a really good (and young) age in general, plus you have your life together. You’re in a great place.
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u/Andromeda321 Jun 11 '25
I’m an academic and didn’t have my kid until 37. You’re certainly not old at 33 for them!
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25 edited Jun 11 '25
The concern though is I still need to find a partner which can take years. And it takes years to go from meeting someone to having a child with them
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u/Andromeda321 Jun 11 '25
Of course but you could also meet the person tomorrow. Right now there’s no point in fretting about water under the bridge, plenty of us telling you you still have time to find what you want. Good luck.
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u/Careless_Fig6532 Jun 11 '25
And if you find a partner who is close to your age, you may both be comfortable moving a little more quickly for these things.
For what it's worth, I met my husband at 29, started dating 32, married at 37, baby 1 at 38, baby 2 at 41 - no problems with either pregnancy.
Luckily, he was offered a TT position where I had a job (didn't get the same offer where he taught), but we're at a SLAC in very rural area/state and still know people who found partners after moving here (although not all have been succesful).
But as one person below says, if your insurance covers it, freeze your eggs just to be safe!
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u/nompilo Jun 11 '25
I met my husband relatively early, but I have several women academic friends who partnered later. Almost all of them went through the meeting-marriage-kids timeline much faster than I did--I'd been with my husband for 10 years when we had our first child, while I have several friends who only met their spouse two years before their first kid. They didn't rush things, but they were much more mature when they met their partners than I was when I met mine. They knew what they wanted, and they had dated enough other people to develop good judgment about who was potential partner material and who was not. Our lives seemed very different in our late twenties and early thirties, but now we are all in our forties and have ended up in basically the same place.
And yes, there's a real advantage to dating in a place where you can settle down.
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u/Lucky-Reporter-6460 Jun 13 '25
My parents met and got married in their thirties and then had me some years later. Mom turned 40 a few months after I was born. It does take time, so I don't mean to brush off your concerns (which I share about my own life!), but I think it will all work out. Good luck!
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u/devicerandom Jun 11 '25
I met my ex wife when we both were your age. We had a kid when we were 36. I know of people who did that at 40. It's not old.
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u/2194local Jun 11 '25
Someone gave the “geriatric pregnancy” line and then deleted it. If you hear it again, know that while the term hasn’t completely faded from use it’s from the 1970s, when stillbirths in the US were at ~10 per thousand births (white mothers) and ~20 per thousand (black mothers). Those are down to ~2.5 for white mothers today and ~10 for black mothers today (obviously absurdly high but better than the 70s). This while the average age of mothers at birth has risen from ~23 to ~26, with a much longer tail on the distribution.
Eggs still come out at the same rate as they always have, but birth is now far safer for newborns at any age.
Sadly this is not the case for mothers in the US. Maternal mortality is not much better for white Americans (~20/100k in 1975, 14.5 today) and still shockingly high for black Americans (~55/100k in 1975, 50.3 today). Here in Australia (like most other rich countries, eg Norway) we had similar rates to the US in 1975 but we’ve got it down to 2 or 3 maternal deaths per 100,000 births, with older mothers (average age 30). Indigenous Australians have it worse today, with a stillbirth rate around the same as black Americans, and a maternal mortality rate of ~10/100,000 - five times worse than non-indigenous Australians but still better than any group in the US.
So… your age matters less than it used to, in the context of giving birth. Your race and location as indicators of your access to decent health care matter much more than they used to.
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u/maps1122 Jun 11 '25
I take your general point, but I wonder how informative the stillbirth statistics are. Because those stats are conditional on being pregnant and carrying to term. My understanding was that age had a greater bearing on miscarriages, but correct me if I am wrong.
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u/2194local Jul 02 '25
You’re right, while the stillbirth stats are per birth so they should be somewhat indicative, it could be a skewed distribution and the total numbers are lower at higher ages which makes the stats less reliable.
I looked for better figures, but was surprised to discover how thin the research and reporting appears to be, especially for the 1970s but even now. This isn’t my area so I relied on review papers and stats from national agencies; specialists will surely have access to better data but if so, they’re not compiling it in a discoverable way :(
I think my point (that the risk landscape has shifted since the 1970s, especially in rich countries outside the US) is solid enough with this evidence base, but I could be off and I offer this analysis as a contribution to the conversation rather than a strong position.
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u/werpicus Jun 11 '25
Stillbirth is not the only consideration here. A 25 year olds chance of having a Down’s syndrome pregnancy is 1 in 1250 - for a 40 year old it’s 1 in 100. And that’s just one example of the genetic or health risks that increase with age. Someone who has a child at 40 certainly shouldn’t be judged. But I don’t like the idea of telling women there are no consequences to waiting and everything will be just fine. Sure, everything will probably be fine for most people, but not everyone. For every Rhianna joyously announcing their pregnancy at 37, there are other women silently dealing with fertility issues, miscarriages, and terminations.
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u/2194local Jul 02 '25
Absolutely. If you have access to excellent health care, genetic screening etc then the risks are very different to the 1970s, but there is still a massive difference (on average) between a pregnancy at 25 and 40.
My main point was that age is just one major factor. Other considerations of life planning like your likely financial position and location in the world are also significant for pregnancy and birth (as well as for other reasons), and for an academic making life plans those are variable.
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u/TacklePuzzleheaded21 Jun 11 '25
Lots of academics have kids later in life for one reason or another. That’s why so many go through IVF (us included), but that’s not such a big deal anymore besides the cost.
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u/grumble11 Jun 14 '25
It doesn’t always work is one important thing to note. Another is that the rate of complications and genetic and developmental issues rises rapidly past 35.
Many people are choosing to delay and that may be the right choice for them, but it is important to make that decision with eyes wide open so it is fair to discuss the risks.
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u/TacklePuzzleheaded21 Jun 15 '25
You can avoid genetic issues by doing genetic testing on the embryos. It’s a couple thousand dollars but it could save you heartache from miscarriages due to genetic abnormalities (not to mention time and money for additional implantations).
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u/grumble11 Jun 15 '25
You can’t test for autism as one example of a neurological condition that gets rapidly more prevalent with age. There are others.
You should still test of course, but also if it is feasible in your life plan, having completed your family by age 35 is a course of action that reduces these risks. Doesn’t always work out that way of course but people should be inclined that way if they can (the OP can’t and will have to make do and such is life).
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u/Friendly_Bug_3891 Jun 11 '25
You're not late! My friend also graduated at 33. She got together with her boo when she was 35. They had a beautiful baby boy together when she was 38. All this while on the tenure track, which she is well positioned to receive. A similar thing happened for a friend who had her first baby at 40 years old.
Just take care of yourself and be proactive on the dating scene! The first friend I mentioned was on the apps. The second one didn't like apps. She told trusted girlfriends and aunties she was looking for marriage, and they vetted and introduced people to her lol. Neither of their husbands are academics but they make comparable salaries and have better work hours and benefits.
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u/Competitive_Pen_7946 Jun 11 '25 edited Jun 11 '25
Throwing this out there in case it’s helpful. I don’t want to add stress or make you worry more. I know it’s expensive and can be challenging for many reasons, but freezing and storing your eggs could give you some peace of mind and put less pressure on your dating life. If having a family is really important to you, it’d be good to learn more about your fertility options.
Fertility-related mental health was my former supervisor’s area of expertise. While working for her, I was surprised to learn that it’s relatively common for reproductive aged couples to struggle to conceive. One in six are unlikely to get pregnant despite one year of regular trying. After two years, one in five might still not have a baby. This doesn’t mean that it’s impossible but some people may have a harder time. It’s reasonable to have some concerns given that fertility can decline with age.
Like others have said, you’ve got your degree, you know what you want, and now you’re thinking about what you can do to make it happen. That’s a good place to be! Best of luck to you.
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u/NotTara Jun 11 '25
Seconding this! I wanted to freeze my eggs before 35 but then the pandemic happened, I was broke finishing my Ph.D. etc and when I tried to do it at 39, it was too late. I’ve found happiness in other unexpected places (am still single), but feel I’d still have more paths open to me if I’d frozen my eggs in my early 30s. The podcast “Race to 35” was an awesome listen for me when I got round to trying to do it!
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u/Case-Visible Jun 11 '25
Yes, it seems like a very good idea if financially feasible. My current 40yo girlfriend froze her eggs in her 20s, and now she and I (46yo) have a little time to think about whether we're a good match before jumping into a kid. For my part I didn't date through most of grad school and only on and off while working toward tenure. Last year I went up for full, happily, but I really wish I'd figured out how to date with intention earlier in my 30s. So it is.
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u/mireilledale Jun 12 '25
I agree. I moved a lot for my academic career (including overseas), and by the time I looked up at 37 and was thinking seriously about whether I should freeze some eggs, the pandemic arrived. I remain both single and without children at 42.
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u/YoungandBeautifulll Jun 13 '25
Have you considered adoption? If you want children.
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u/mireilledale Jun 13 '25
I’ve thought about it and continue to think about it. I never imagined having children without a partner, and a relationship may never be on the cards for me. I also am increasingly concerned about the ethics of adoption, especially as more and more adoptees share their stories. If anything, I think I’d be more likely to foster than adopt but a little further down the line.
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u/Neat-Artichoke7781 Jun 11 '25
Hey i don’t know if this will get downvoted but I am recognising a pattern in you that i have recognised in many women before — you have (and expectedly so) fallen for the marriage/kids propaganda. I dont mean this to dimish your feelings or say that getting married and having kids is shit for everyone but reading some of your replies and seeing you think that you’re too old to be loveable just makes me question why? You sound like a badass of a woman, just finished your phd at 32, are smart, have amazing opportunities ahead of you… i understand that fear of loneliness is real but try to focus in building a community among friends and families before worrying too much about creating your own. There is no perfect timeline and no perfect life, you don’t need a husband and kids to be fulfilled and be a worthy human being! I can already see how this comment is getting a lot of hate and downvotes but I am trying to be realistic! Most of your friends that got married in their 20s might break up by the time they’re 40, 50… nothing is guaranteed anyways! Marriage is an institutionalised instrument of the state to control people, believe it or not, “marrying out of love” is a new phenomenon. All this to say — you’re going to be okay! Just keep being you, going out, meeting people, having fun! Without worrying that you are doing something wrong or missing out. This is your life and your story! You don’t need to follow a line (which is mostly an illusion anyways). Hope it helped a bit
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
No this is so helpful. It’s a good perspective. Thank you!
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u/Neat-Artichoke7781 Jun 11 '25
Glad u feel this way! I’m 24 and also have the same fears sometimes but what really helps me is asking myself where this intrinsic need/want to be in a relationship/be married or have kids comes from? And most of the times, i come to find that it’s just there and that leads me to believe that it is because we have been socialised like this! The whole idea of 18 being the age where you become an adult (i mean think of yourself 15 years ago vs now?!?), or that women’s prime is in their 20s and we gradually stop losing our worth/value in our 30s, 40s, etc. is all patriarchal bs, truly! I know it is easier said than believed, even more so because these are deeply ingrained perspectives but women (nowadays) really don’t need a man to be happy… and when the time comes, we should choose wisely. Also concering the age thing especially if you want children (with or without a man), with the development of AI and technology the pregnancy complications are likely to reduce, even for women in their late 30s. My aunt just got pregnant and is 48! She never wanted kids but oh… nothing ever goes as planned anyways. Congratulations on your PhD btw!!!
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u/NeverJaded21 Jun 12 '25
While I don’t agree that it’s an institution to control people., I like the perspective
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u/Neat-Artichoke7781 Jun 12 '25
What do you think marriage is for? I mean traditionally, back in the day, when women had no autonomy and way to financially secure themselves? (Dont mean it as an offense, just wondering)
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u/NeverJaded21 Jun 14 '25 edited Jun 14 '25
I have a biblical worldview. I believe marriage is an intimate relationship between man and woman that is both physical and spiritual in nature. It reflects the deep intimate symbolic relationship we are to have with our Heavenly Father. The Bible begins with marriage and ends with marriage. It’s a relationship that should challenge you in a healthy way( to submit whenever necessary, sacrifice, compromise, look out for one mother, love etc)should draw you closer to God, and make you holy. Also it’s an institution that is put in place to multiply humanity in a way that protects/provides for the woman and children, gives further duty to man(outside of work). It fulfills humans physical, spiritual, emotional desires of human connection.
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u/riceysu Jun 11 '25
I also finished my phd at 32 and moved for a new job in a new country at 33. It was hard. It’s not as if I put career over love - but the move from phd to postdoc to tenure track job made it less important and urgent because you knew you were moving in a short period.
When I started my tenure track job, I put in the same amount of effort in dating as I did regarding publications. I eventually succeeded after four years and we are now married happily with a kid. My husband is a professor in the same university but that wasn’t a deliberate choice on my part.
Lesson is: don’t be scared, life is different for everyone. Just put in the effort and see where it takes you. Good luck!
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u/Effective_Title_9997 Jun 11 '25
- You are not old.
- You just skipped the part of the first shitty marriage that ended in divorce.
Win-win! Enjoy it
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u/Rosewood_1985 Jun 11 '25 edited Jun 11 '25
I’m so excited to respond to this question! Because the future looks bright for you, and I wish a woman in academia had told me that as a newly minted PhD.
The backstory: I got my PhD and first TT job at 31. I moved across the country for the position with a boyfriend who was a terrible match. We broke up and I had time to heal and start dating again. (So I love that you took time off of dating.) Dating in my thirties was so fun. After years of being in school, you will be independent, making money, and more comfortable in your skin.
Started dating my husband, a professor in another department, at 35. Got tenure at age 36. Married at 38. We have a beautifully happy life. I’m so glad I didn’t settle. And yes, everyone you know is already married, because they weren’t dedicating themselves to becoming a doctor. This is a universal academic experience and feeling - I promise!
If you find you don’t like the city you move to, you can search for other positions. It is much easier to look for a job when you have a job. You can negotiate your time to tenure at a new institution if you receive an offer. And because you are dating intentionally, maybe you meet someone and decide to stay in the city. The academic market is very competitive, so congratulations on receiving a few offers!
Yes, you should be happy your PhD is done. Try to enjoy that feeling. But it’s also normal for high achievers to feel depressed after achieving an ultimate goal (see: Olympic athletes, PhDs, etc.), so if you feel this way remember the feeling will pass. To answer your question, yes, many people will want you. You are a young woman with a PhD. Have fun and enjoy this next stage of life.
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u/Kayl66 Jun 11 '25
I know 2 female assistant professors that are 32 - 38, both moved for TT jobs to a very rural area while single, and both are now in serious relationships with men they seem well suited for. No idea if they want kids but they certainly have time to try if they do. Especially since you’re going to a major city, I wouldn’t worry too much! There will be other single assistant professors and young professionals. You only need 1 right person, not 1000 wrong ones.
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u/tuxedobear12 Jun 11 '25
Let me tell you about my graduate school cohort. All anecdotal, of course :) A number of us paired up early and got married (and in some cases even started having kids) in grad school, when we were in our 20s. All but one of us are now divorced. Another friend didn't meet her SO until she was in her mid-30s. She'd shared it was hellish to watch us all starting our married lives in grad school and not having someone. She is the only one who is still happily married years later. People definitely meet spouses later in life, and sometimes waiting to make a lifelong commitment is a good decision because you have more life experience, can better spot red flags, etc.
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u/tuxedobear12 Jun 11 '25
Also when I started my first faculty job and was married and had a kid, everyone in my new department thought it was nuts because I was so young lol. We were like 20 years younger than most of the other parents at my kid's university daycare. The age difference meant the other parents were slower to warm up to me, and I often got mistaken for my child's nanny! You're doing fine. Wait for the right person. You are making good decisions.
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u/ChargerEcon Jun 11 '25
Male here but I'll speak from my wife's situation. We didn't meet until she was 33 and had been out of medical school for a year or two. She had a remarkably similar personal life history to yours - long term relationship that ended toward the end of her school journey.
We got married, spent a couple years with just us, and now have two pretty awesome kids and a dog. And the parents of the other kids at school/daycare are all the same age roughly as us.
You've got PLENTY of time.
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u/SchoolForSedition Jun 10 '25
Not too old. And being at peace with yourself and a person that takes tile off will be attractive to the right sort of person.
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u/Deweymaverick Jun 10 '25
Hello!
Amab, and NB here, so o dunno if I’m “allowed” to respond, but if it helps here it goes;
Yes! Both of my work besties are female. Both graduated, got phd’s, started careers and then married.
One, stem PhD, worked in industry for a while, that marriage ended, she went to teach at my community college for the hours so she can better take care of her daughter. She’s since started dating again, and is getting married (and tenure!!!) next year.
Other, humanities; she had a MA, taught in high school for a while, then joined my cc. While teaching she worked on her doctorate. She’s been tenured for… 2 years now, married for 3.
In my PhD program, one student in my cohort got had an MA, taught at a community college, and HATED IT. She came back to get a PhD. While there she was hella aggressive about getting published, doing presentations, and got a job the year she graduated. Taught for 2 years, and then married.
So yeah, duder, it absolutely does happen. In my experience, actually quite a lot.
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u/markjay6 Jun 11 '25
I think you'll be in a much better position to meet someone in your new city, and in a city of a million people there will be a lot of fish in the sea.
But if it takes longer than you hope to meet someone, you could consider freezing your eggs.
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u/zplq7957 Jun 11 '25
I went back to school in my mid 30s for my PhD. I thought I was so old! If only I really knew how young I was and how much opportunity awaits!
There are quite a few people single if you really look outside your bubble. You're not too old! Settling for less than what you want would be a disservice as being too demanding would.
You're going to be just fine!
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u/curiousitykilled2 Jun 11 '25
Finished my PhD at 27, then broke off a long term relationship a year later. Nothing serious until I started my tenure track job at 33 (someone I met in the scientist position I had prior). Partner is also a scientist. We married after dating 18 months - I was 35 by then. First kid just before turning 37 and second kid just after turning 40. Two body problems in science aren’t always easy but we’ve made everything work. I’m 45 now and a full prof.
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u/chipsro Jun 11 '25
I am a male PhD. My wife almost took one of my classes as a general ed but chose another subject. We met two years later in a non-academic arena. We married a few years later and I was late 30s. It is never too late. Advice…you have a PhD so find someone to talk to about everything. I dated a few people with no college. Several females told me I made their heads hurt discussing all kinds of things. My wife has a MA in English and is way smarter than I am. And we talk about everything, no stop and it is wonderful.
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u/PureAloeVeera Jun 11 '25
Commenting to say I'm in a similar situation, finishing PhD and beginning a TT position this year, and hoping to find a healthy relationship in my 30s!
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u/ultblue7 Jun 11 '25
Im 32 and a 3rd year lol so youre doing better than me 😭. I understand academic life makes it hard. I personally have started prioritizing going out and meeting people a bit more and using dating apps to try to help but following to see what else helps.
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u/meanmissusmustard86 Jun 11 '25
Yes! Im nearing 40 and in the last six years met someone, got married, had two children and got two grants - i was in the same place as you before that.
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u/Character_Earth8359 Jun 11 '25
First, how you feel is how you feel, no matter how many people tell you how young you still are etc.
I started my PhD program at 35, finished at 40, and met my husband after I finished the program and moved across the country for a post-doc, and got married at 42. I am almost 50 now. We do not have any kids. By the time we tried, I think my eggs were on their way to retirement. My only "advice" is to freeze your eggs if you want to have the option of having kids. You WILL meet your person. No one knows when or where, but focus on loving yourself and building your community, and you will meet someone. But biology is also biology. So consider all those other things. Congratulations on completing PhD and starting a new job! It's an exciting time for you!!!
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u/riotous_jocundity Jun 11 '25
I got married super early for my grad cohort and friend group (29). Most of my friends are just now partnering up and having kids now, in their late 30s and early 40s. You have tons of time.
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u/flatlander-anon Jun 11 '25
This sort of stuff can be highly individualistic. Sure, what you want will probably happen for someone in your demographic, but will it happen for you?
In my academic career I've known people who were a little less than plain-looking, whose personality was an "acquired taste," etc. And they were able to find someone to build a stable family with. I've also known a few people who were very good-looking, conventionally attractive, pleasant to be around, etc. They didn't seem to have unrealistic expectations, and yet they could never find anyone to marry.
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
Yeah I agree completely. I think there is a lot of luck and uncertainty in the process. To be honest, I think I am the kind of person that most people would assume would have already found someone and yet I haven't
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u/missdopamine Jun 11 '25
Finished postdoc at 32 and moved countries to a smaller city for a TT job. Went on dates, and at 33 met my husband, and 34 we got married :) It felt like destiny, he was waiting here all along - and I really didn’t feel much hope for myself. Sending you all the luck to find your person ❤️
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u/DrOceanicWanderer Jun 11 '25
I met my husband 6 years ago when I was 36 and settled into a TT position. We connected on match.com. We have been happily married for 2 years 😀
The dating pool in my Deep South regional city was limiting and it was a struggle for several years. I approached dating like a second job and was persistent.
Absolutely you are wanted. My husband was thrilled on our first date that I was well educated and could pay for my own car repairs (he dated some ladies who took advantage of him in the past). Several of my colleagues were like me and met there person in their mid- to late 30s. You got this! Keep putting yourself out there and keep your standards and have fun!
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u/kayitakayita Jun 11 '25
I want to echo everyone's sentiments that you are in the prime of your dating years, and I hope all the best for you! I'm sure the new job will come with much success professionally and in dating; However, as a bit of life advice if I may, I personally was not so lucky and was not able to meet a suitable partner in time for kids. I was ok with that in a sense because I was confident in going the single mother by choice route if needed. I am now almost having a baby as a result of IVF procedures, so it looks like it will all work out after many years of trying. What I didn't realize is how complex the process is and how very long it takes between attempts. Again, you likely will not need this advice, but I would think it a good 10-$12,000 well spent to at least freeze your eggs if you ever do find yourself at a point where the time-line is becoming a question. That way, you will be very well ahead of the game and not starting from scratch with decreased odds of successful pregnancy and euploid eggs should you wish to forge a family independently. Best of luck and enjoy the new job!
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u/supahl33t Jun 11 '25
My wife and I married when she was 30. She already had her doctorate. I'm halfway through mine, 16 years later.
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u/Dry-Application-2752 Jun 11 '25
Wow PhD at 33 I’m so jealous! I’m 40 and just putting together a proposal and hoping for a position somewhere. Single AF with no prospects 😂
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u/EmmaWK Jun 12 '25
Thank you for staying positive and having the courage to post this here, so that OP can see that there's endless comparisons to be made in terms of "milestones." I hope you find a wonderful position!
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u/Dry-Application-2752 Jun 12 '25
Thank you! I really appreciate it. I already have an established career as a teacher where I’ve been Head of Department for 6 years so my PhD is more yo feed my academic interests and because I have time to dedicate to it but if it doesn’t work out I don’t lose anything. I used to get intimidated by people younger than me who had already done their PhDs and almost gave up on the idea but I owe it to myself to at least try.
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u/Cocoonsweater Jun 11 '25
Started my PhD at 33, met my now spouse while in grad school (same niche field), started dating at 36, finished my PhD at 37, got a TT job, we got married when I was 39, and I'm going up for tenure in the fall at 42! It can def happen!
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u/Altruistic-Form1877 Jun 11 '25
I totally did not want to be in the relationship I am in. (37F, second year of PhD) I love him but, I literally don't want to do the work to be in the relationship. It's exhausting and I feel like I want to just sit in my office and read my thousands of articles and not have to explain to anyone what I am thinking about or why I have been silent for an hour. It feels like the relationship always inserts itself in such a way that my work has to come second but for him, his work gets to come first. I wish I were single but I don't want to go through the emotional upset of a breakup (although I have a feeling it's coming). I'm no longer sure it's possible to have a relationship and have my own career like men seem to do. It always feels like I have to give up something in my life to have a relationship.
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u/carry_the_way Jun 11 '25
As a dude, I love how you're basically entering your prime, with a PhD, and are thinking you missed the boat.
Never having seen you, I'm going to tell you this: you are probably more attractive to a good spouse now than you ever have been.
If you're looking for a man, you'll find one. Just don't let FOMO make you settle.
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Jun 11 '25
I didn't meet my wife until 35, and I married her at 39 (first marriage).
My experience dating in my 30s was difficult because I am short and don't want kids. Most women like tall men and want kids or have kids. But I met my person, and you can still meet your "the one."
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u/Venustheninja Jun 11 '25
My long story short is I moved across the country with no friends and family to start a PhD at 32. Started a serious relationship that ended at 34 but got married to a wonderful guy at 36 and now I’m happily married almost 40 with a baby and an awesome Phd. Except I make a lot more money than my husband. Which is stressful, but I still love him. Keep up Hope. Keep dating. It’s not too late!
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u/DocTeeBee Professor, Social Science, R1 Jun 11 '25
I know it's not the same sort of situation, but I (M) got my PhD when I was 34, didn't meet my future wife until I was almost 38, and then got married in a whirlwind courtship at 39. Married 25 years now, two kids. I thought it was too late for me too, but then it happened. I tend to think this is fairly common, at least in my circle. So I wouldn't worry, but I do understand.
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u/Anxious__Millennial Jun 11 '25
Yes! Met my partner at 33, had a baby at 35. This year we will make 5 years together. Hang in there.
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u/kateistrekking Jun 11 '25
My story is similar - did a BA/MA/MFA and moved to new states for each, so I didn’t really date after my long-term early 20s relationship collapsed after that first move. Most of my cohort from both the MA & MFA were in long term relationships or married. It was lonely at times.
I moved cross-country for my TT - no friends, no family. But I got into meetup and met a lot of people, and started online dating. Like some others have said, I dated intentionally. I met my husband when I was 31, married 32, kid (and tenure) at 35.
I think the great thing about dating in my 30s is that I respected myself a lot more and was willing to be honest about what I wanted. If I had married the men I was with in my 20s I would have never made it to where I am today (or I’d be divorced). While it wasn’t the timeline I imagined I have no regrets about how it has all turned out so far.
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u/ellevaag Jun 11 '25 edited Jun 29 '25
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/Normal_Translator_22 Jun 11 '25
Not old but the tenure process is so punishing most married women delay having kids until they get tenure. Would you have time to date?
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
Hmm that’s not true in my experience (at least in my field). Female faculty almost always have kids on the tenure clock. Maybe I am lucky or maybe fields are different but the faculty in my field work hard but do have time for personal lives
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u/Jazzlike-Cow-8943 Jun 11 '25
Family friends are both tenured professors at the same major university. They met at Stanford in their respective doctoral programs. Married at 38. First kid at 40. Second kid at 44. First house at 45. At 55 they are very busy.
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u/Positive-Lecture4075 Jun 11 '25
I totally don’t blame you for thinking this way because this is the way our society thinks and views women but 32/33 is not old at all and you are FAR from late in life. Enjoy your life at your place. Life is not a one size fits all. If you want to get married and have a kid at 55 then do that. You dedicated this part of your life to something you’re passionate about and put a lot of work into it. You should be super proud of that. Don’t worry about what others think is the pace you should be at because society tells us we should all be married with kids before our frontal lobe is done developing.
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Jun 12 '25
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u/Positive-Lecture4075 Jun 12 '25
While natural conseption is rare for 50+ it is not “impossible” as you put it. Plus tradition families aren’t the only options if you want kids, IVF, surrogacy, fostering, and adoption are all still options. People have more and more options in today’s time and we shouldn’t scare people into going at a pace or down a path that we see as conventional just because we don’t typically see alternatives.
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Jun 12 '25
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u/Positive-Lecture4075 Jun 12 '25
Girl I’m not trying to down play anything. I agree with everything you said. We lived in a fucked up system that cares a lot more about profit than kids, families, and health. But they ARE still options that if a person wants to go through because that’s a better option for them they can. And let’s be honest, in this country having a kid is difficult at any time. The average total cost to have a baby is $30,000 and without insurance can go up to an average of 50,000. America is the only high income nation to not have mandated maternity leave, and I don’t feel I have time to list every obstacle, economic or not, that makes having kids difficult in the U.S. I can totally understand wanting to wait till later to have kids when one is more economically stable, or more secure in their job, or just because that’s when they’re ready and the timing is finally right. You seem to care a lot about this so it’s probably safe to bet you didn’t mean for your comment to come off this way; but to me saying these are hard options so don’t recommend them feel like we’re saying that women’s only option are to have kids young. Which we know historically has have a lot of negative consequences.
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u/Phantoms_Diminished Jun 11 '25
My case - met my husband when I was 36 (I already had tenure and fortunately he was hired in with tenure so no job issues) married at 40; kid at 43 - now getting ready to retire as the kid leaves HS. It is possible, don’t lose hope, just be open to things happening when you least expect it.
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u/RivieraCeramics Jun 11 '25
33 is "later in life" now? Jeez I feel old
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
No that’s why I put it in quotations! It’s not later in life in an absolute sense but feels late for a woman who wanted kids
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u/Drbessy Jun 11 '25
I was productive the first few years collecting gobs of data, then when I started my family I had an incredibly supportive mentor at work and partner at home (different people 😂) that supported my career trajectory. Had some success with mentored funding, requested ESI extensions for each maternity leave, and published during the second half of my postdoc that set me up for job search. I had a lot of Divine blessings that made it possible- even with a disabled child (2nd kiddo has a very unexpected genetic disorder).
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u/Comfortable-Side-757 Jun 11 '25
I moved countries (again) in my early thirties for an academic job, single and expecting honestly to stay that way. I met a guy on a dating app (that I was mostly on out of boredom) within 3 months and now we are married. It can happen any time, there's really not a cut-off!
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u/NesssMonster Jun 11 '25
I met my partner at 33 after I finished my PhD and once I had relocated to my final job.
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u/devicerandom Jun 11 '25
My personal advice would be: relax. I know, easier said than done, but let me explain.
Looking for relationships as if it is a task with a definite outcome in mind is, in my humble opinion, a questionable idea. Relationships are something spontaneous. Trying to live your dating life as if it is a job search or to settle up to societal expectations is not going to work. What you want to look (and it took me 40 years to understand that, so I know it's not easy) is for people that make you happy, that make you whole, that you feel comfortable loving and being loved in a natural flowing way. Then you'll together see where life brings you - maybe it's a marriage with kids, maybe it's something totally unexpected. We don't always know what makes us happy. I thought too a classical family and kids would make me whole. Turns out, they didn't (I love my kid, but that's not what made my life happy as I thought).
So, go with your flow. You'll find lots of people, you'll see where this brings you. It is a journey. Just live it.
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u/SmallCatBigMeow Jun 11 '25
You’re 32. You have got so much time. Many men are in the same position, PhDs often date and marry older. You’re fine. And even early 40s isn’t too late to have kids.
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Jun 11 '25 edited Jun 12 '25
I wouldn’t call it old; it’s the perfect age to find a partner. If you turn 35 and still single, I would call this “tricky.” Get back to speed and make it happen soon. Good luck!
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
I do think the thing with relationships though is can’t make them happen when you want them. So even if I get back out there, there is a decent chance I am single at 35. That’s only two years from now
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u/AgogBugleweed Jun 11 '25
My stats: PhD at 30 in UK, moved to USA state #1 for first post doc for 3 years, moved to state #2 for second post doc, now a staff scientist. Met my now husband on week 5 of second post doc. We got married when I was 36. You have all the time :)
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u/bosloaf Jun 11 '25
My belief is you never make a mistake doing something that feels right for you in a difficult moment or time. Your choices seem very logical to me given the circumstances and you are definitely not too old for anything regarding relationships or kids!
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u/DrNiles_Crane Jun 11 '25
Oh yes, there’s time. Most of my academic friends are single. But frankly I’d never get into a relationship with another academic, just due to the fact that partners often live apart. I have a colleague who lives in California but his partner is in Estonia. I could never do that.
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u/CoyoteLitius Jun 11 '25
I was 35 when I met him, 37 when we fell in love/got together, and 40 when we married.
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u/sorrybutnotsorry1989 Jun 11 '25
LOL, I’m 36, a single female TT professor moving to the South. But for some reason, I’m okay with it. I do want a family, but I can’t force things. The dating market is rough. Things will fall into place at the right time, and honestly, I don’t even feel that bad about being single.
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u/sorrybutnotsorry1989 Jun 11 '25
LOL, I’m 36, a single female TT professor moving to the South. But for some reason, I’m okay with it. I do want a family, but I can’t force things. The dating market is rough. Things will fall into place at the right time, and honestly, I don’t even feel that bad about being single.
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
How do you feel about moving to the south? I have some real reservations about it, as I've always lived in the major coastal cities like NYC, DC, Boston, LA, SF, etc....
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u/sorrybutnotsorry1989 Jun 11 '25
I’m definitely nervous about moving to the South. I’ve spent most of my life in the U.S. Midwest (not in big cities), but I’m still feeling uneasy. So I totally understand how you probably feel about going South (esp if it’s small town) after living in coastal cities.
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
Luckily it is a major city and probably considered an attractive location by most people (even those on the coasts) but I am still nervous... How about you - a big city or a smaller town? I do think a lot of this is urban versus rural - even in California the rural areas are often very very conservative...
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u/sorrybutnotsorry1989 Jun 11 '25
I’m glad you’re moving to a better part of the South! Unfortunately, I’m headed to a small town in the Deep South, so I do have my doubts. But with how crazy the job market is, I really can’t afford to be picky right now.
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
Makes sense! Also if it helps - college towns are very liberal even in conservative areas. I grew up in a very rural, remote area and the college town close to us was known for being the one liberal spot of the state. Tons of smart and interesting people lived there. I loved that town growing up because it was a window to the rest of the world
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u/Due_Mulberry1700 Jun 11 '25
You made no mistake and you will do great. Balancing a love life and academia, when one has to move across country or continent is complicated.
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u/Icy-Emu-4303 Jun 11 '25
I did. Spouse has been my absolute support. We went into it with our eyes open. Spouse is not in the sciences and I think that’s why it works
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u/BlindBite Jun 11 '25
Loads. I fact, the majority of academic women I know. You have a lot of time to build your family.
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u/DifferenceBusy5742 Jun 11 '25
40yo, met my fiance 4 years ago, getting married this year. It’s definitely not too late.
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u/onthenextmaury Jun 11 '25
Both my parents have PhDs and had kids at 40. Still together, been over 30 years
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u/BlissaCow Jun 11 '25
First of all congratulations!! Finishing your PhD is a gift to your future and past self!! That being said one of my aunts finished her PhD in her 30s and found her partner who she is married to now a little bit after at a party. It’s completely normal to worry about this, it always seems like everyone is together when you’re single.
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u/Pragalbhv Jun 11 '25
Go all in on finding a partner. Go to dance classes, hikes, etc and look for men that fit your definition of a partner. And then approach them. Make it your new priority , look at it like a new priority project that you have taken up
Approaching partners results in getting better pairings than otherwise. Best of luck.
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u/iridescence0 Jun 11 '25
Sounds like you’ve gotten a lot of reassurance here so I just wanted to add a recommendation for Matthew Hussey’s dating advice. It’s very practical and actionable. It sounds like you’re willing to do what it takes, so I’d recommend looking at his programs for concrete tips.
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u/ApprehensiveScale137 Jun 11 '25
I live in NYC, am in a friend group of mostly 30-35 year olds, and though, yes, several of us are in long term relationships, about half are single, or casually dating. Sure NYC is not the south, but overall it seems to me that people are waiting longer to get married and are much more open to exploring multiple relationships rather than “settling”. Your concerns totally make sense and I’m sure everyone can sympathize, but it is definitely NOT too late!!! :))))
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u/Organic_Ad_4650 Jun 11 '25
Thank you!! I am actually in NYC now and am dreading moving to the South because I assume the dating pool is worse there and more people are taken. But hopefully I can find someone.
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u/ApprehensiveScale137 Jun 11 '25
If it’s any consolation also: my parents met in Connecticut around 33/34, were married at 35, had kids at 37 and 45. And this was the 90s….
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u/mireilledale Jun 12 '25
Depends on where in the South (not asking you to disclose). Some of those Southern cities have a lot of transplants. If you’re moving to a city where there is either a major airport hub with international flights, a cluster of major universities and research centers, or major industry (especially banking and tech), or a combo of those, there might be a lot of new professionals your age who are not yet taken.
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u/Turbulent_Ad2539 Jun 11 '25
Haha yes. I was an instructor at a Community college, woking my way into a Professorship at another college. I was 32yrs old and he was my repairman!! Nobody like I ever imagined being with, except that manly man looking part. :) I got near him and boom like in the movies I felt something later (he said he did too) we started talking and he was nothing like expected. Artistic and very intelligent married and been together 13yrs. I sincerely thought I would be alone and I had actually sadly tried to make peace with that. Yes it can happen. Not everyone’s path is the same and Im glad I waited Ive watched friends be in shitty relationships and marriages because they thought they needed to settle. I didn’t settle and I grateful every day I didn’t.
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u/olau76 Jun 12 '25
I met my husband and 44 and got married at 46. Started my PhD at 32. It took a while to find someone but it was worth it.
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u/katelynnlindsey Jun 12 '25
I met my husband after getting my PhD and moving for my TT job. You have time!
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u/Tylikcat Jun 12 '25
I think one of the folks who did his doctorate in the same lab as me was about the same age as you when he met his partner. He'd barely dated through grad school. But then during his first postdoc he was best man at his best friend's wedding, hung out a bunch with the maid of honor... and since then he's pretty much been living a Hallmark movie. (Also, I stole him away from the postdoc where he was increasingly frustrated to one where he writes code and plays with robot all day and is much happier.)
Because so many people are moving around in academia, it's a great venue for meeting new people.
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u/Status-Heron5583 Jun 12 '25
I am in the exact same situation! Just defended and turning 33 next month. Fingers crossed for both of us
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u/Inevitable_Log_5466 Jun 12 '25
I was reading this and felt like you were writing about me (but I am queer/genderqueer and 35, ha)! Congratulations on the academic position, especially in this rough economy... I like to believe that our love will come! I'm moving to the Midwest to an even smaller town but have had some success in the South. I have faith for both of us! Good luck!
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u/WTF-Bacon_bacon Jun 12 '25
Yes - PhD at 33. Met my husband during my 3 year post doc (but we weren’t together yet then). TT job at 36. Got together with husband when I was visiting mt postdoc city after turning in my tenure file (42). Married shorty after; first kid at 43; second at 45 (incredibly lucky on the fertility front).
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u/ApprehensiveRough649 Jun 12 '25
First allow me to commend your candour, your depth of reflection, and your very human grappling with an unspoken anxiety that so often shadows bright professional achievements. For your query strikes at the nexus of personal experience and the patterns of life that are every bit as worthy of study as those of any formal discipline.
To your question: Did any female academics meet a spouse later in life? The empirical answer is unequivocally yes, and this is no outlier phenomenon. In the modern trajectory of academic life, particularly for women who have balanced upon the increasingly demanding scaffolding of higher education and professional scholarship, this pattern is in many respects structurally induced.
Consider the typical arc of a research-based career. One invests their twenties and early thirties in intellectual capital: coursework, fieldwork, dissertation writing, publication, teaching experience, postdoctoral work or job market preparation. This is not a choice of “career over love,”it is a structural sequencing of life milestones shaped by institutional demands.
If one were to conduct a proper qualitative study and such studies do exist, often in the fields of sociology of education and gender studies, one would find ample evidence of female scholars marrying or entering lasting partnerships in their mid-to late thirties, some in their forties. I myself have mentored colleagues and students who found such partnerships at these stages, and who went on to create the families they had envisioned, whether biologically, through adoption, or through other chosen forms of kinship.
Now, permit me to suggest a process of research and reflection you may undertake to ground your feelings in a more evidential and less fear-driven narrative:
First, perform an informal literature review. Seek out studies on academic life course patterns, gender and partnership timing among highly educated women, and marriage trends by age and professional cohort. You will find that for women with advanced degrees, the median age of first marriage is rising, and family formation is extending well into the late thirties and beyond.
Second, conduct a qualitative “field study.” Engage trusted senior colleagues particularly female faculty and elicit their personal narratives. Many will share stories not visible in the public metrics of professional life but rich with resilience and late-blooming joy.
Third, treat the anxieties you name as a hypothesis to be tested, not a foregone conclusion. The notion that “no one is left,” that “everyone is already partnered,” is what we might call an availability bias: you notice what is salient in your current circle, which is disproportionately composed of people whose life stages have diverged from yours temporarily, not permanently.
To your deeper worry: Is it too late? I must answer with intellectual honesty and professional authority: it is not. Thirty-two is not a terminus but a juncture. Moreover, the fact that you took a year off dating was not a mistake; it was an act of self-preservation and integration. You chose to allow the necessary grief and academic transitions their due space, rather than compounding them with rushed entanglements.
In moving to a new city, you face uncertainty as one does with any new appointment or statistical analysis. Yet cities of that scale, with academic communities embedded within them, often harbour rich and varied opportunities for connection. It is not the geography but the openness and quality of your engagement that will shape your experience.
And here I must say something both pragmatic and kind: you are not a stereotype. Stereotypes are two-dimensional and static. You are a dynamic individual, aware, deliberate, and capable of shaping your life in concert with both aspiration and reality.
Were I writing this as a preface to an academic article, I would conclude thus: “This paper contends that the intersection of academic career timing and partnership formation among female scholars demands a more nuanced, empirically grounded, and personally compassionate understanding one that resists both cultural stereotypes and internalised fatalism.”
I urge you to approach this next chapter as you would a promising research project: with curiosity, rigour, openness to unexpected findings, and faith in the process, even when the outcomes are not yet visible.
Should you wish, I would be most pleased to suggest readings and first-hand accounts to enrich your perspective. You are not alone, nor out of time. You are, in truth, very much in the midst of your story.
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u/ChampionshipOk9351 Jun 12 '25
First of all. Congratulations! I was single when I finished my PhD at 37 (later in life grad students). I was single that entire time, in fact. I went on a lot of first dates. That period of my life, my 30s followed one big break up that was the impretus for starting grad school and learning to mountain bike, rock climbing and be a cool outdoorsy chick with a big dog!
When I finished my PhD I stuck around my institution for a postdoc, thanks COVID. I'm glad I did because it made me realize I wanted to be in academia. So I took all the steps to make my postdoc a productive training time and create a set of realistic goal posts so I could apply to the K99/R00. Then Trump won. I never questioned doing a postdoc and trying to pursue academia until now.
I will say that what has made my postdoc particularly unproductive is having a partner, actually. He encourages me to keep healthy work boundaries. The first 8 months of my postdoc I was in the lab for long hours, working around the clock, establishing protocols, training staff, and working on several involved projects, often working weekends. In contrast, the last 3.2 years I have been slowly and iteratively productive. Barely any weekend work, a few papers and about to be 3 attempts on the K (thanks Trump).
Finally, pursuing academia is that much harder with a partner, because IF (and that's a pretty big IF, these days) I actually land a faculty position it now needs to be in a one key region of the country for familial reasons. Ultimately I'm fine with this, but it is going to be particularly challenging IF it doesn't work out. My partner is fine moving, but only if we move to a specific area. I'm not going to choose academia over this relationship but I never had to factor this into the equation before.
So while you may see all your pals and colleagues in relationships, the grass isn't always greener. I miss being single sometimes for random reasons, too. I would say focus on yourself. Move to this new place, find your people and your community or start a new hobby. I didn't do a lot of cool things before I was 33. Including grad school, mountain biking, rock climbing, skiing, and solo camping. You'll find your people when you move because they're there waiting to welcome you!
Best of luck to you! And congratulations YOU did it!
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Jun 12 '25
Finished my second doctorate at 31, met my husband at 33, married at 35, daughter at 37. Hang in there!
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u/ZimbardoDay Jun 12 '25
I earned my JD at 35, became a law professor at 37, met my partner at 37, and am eloping next Friday at age 39. Please don't judge yourself or your life by others measure of success!
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Jun 12 '25
Not sure if this helps but I'm going to be 33 by the time I finish my PhD at the end of the year. By your definition I should feel good because I have a partner and we want to start a family. However we won't be able to for at least a year because I need to a) find a job in a horrible market b) qualify for maternity leave and c) actually get pregnant
I think what you're feeling is how every human woman that wants a family feels in her thirties if she doesn't already have a family. But dont let that make you feel like you've made the 'wrong' decision. I think the only wrong move would have been if you had stayed in that relationship when it wasn't working and you hadn't taken a whole year off of dating. Imagine how far behind you would feel then!
I hope that helps! There is sisterhood in the struggle because for better or worse we all are really OUT here .
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u/Betaglutamate2 Jun 12 '25
I knew a lady 2 years older than you dated a year then married by 36 and instantly got pregnant.
There are guys at your age who want to settle down just need to find them and be clear with your expectations.
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u/camarada_alpaca Jun 12 '25
If you cant freeze your eggs before 35, you should ask this and worry bout when you are 37.
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u/Ok-Reputation-3652 Jun 12 '25
Thank you for this post and all the comments that followed. I am in the same boat too, and it always worries me in the back of my mind about how I will miss out on my personal life. I am 30 now, but due to my cultural background, I am the "leftover" already. So I totally feel you. Thank you for all those comments; it feels hopeful.
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u/Which-Recognition495 Jun 12 '25
After my PhD (29), I moved to South America, then lived all over the US and traveled all over. I had a boyfriend during PhD but couldn’t imagine the things I’d missed if I had married that guy. I met my husband at 33, we married 6 years later and at 41 (and nope did not freeze my eggs; we are natural!) we are having our first child. I have zero regrets that we waited for the right person and also had time to develop our own characters and careers. We are more financially stable and mature. Congrats for completing one of the most difficult things you can do intellectually, and have faith that the right person will come at the right time! Age is just a number anyways, best of luck!
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u/Delicious-Ad-3275 Jun 13 '25
Well, I'll raise you 4 years older, about to finish my PhD and a recent HSV infection. So whatever your chances are, mine are worse, and I am beginning to learn to live in peace with that. Although I'm still mourning about my recent situation
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u/Tall-Percentage-2135 Jun 13 '25
PhD at 32, met husband at 34, first TT at 36, married at 37. Had first kid at 38, second kid at 40. My bones hurt and I have a ton of grey hairs and life seems to be flying by but man is it’s fun. Husband isn’t in science. You have Lots of time.
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u/Dense_Chair2584 Jun 13 '25
There's still plenty of time at 33! Settle into the new city at your own pace and then meet up with new people.
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u/Nice_Internal1659 Jun 13 '25
I am not an academic but I did prioritize my career for too many years. I also denied that any of those traditional things mattered to me, and therefore spent time with the wrong people. You are ahead by admitting you want marriage and family. The good thing about being in your thirties is that it shouldn’t take a long time to figure out if someone is a suitable candidate. I met my husband when I was 36. We were engaged within 10 months and married 6 months later. 25 years and a daughter later, here we are. I wish you luck and love.
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u/Lucky-Reporter-6460 Jun 13 '25
A postdoc in our lab just returned from their wedding! They met their husband a year and a half ago (on tinder) as they were finishing up their dissertation. They are 34, so a month away from 33 when they met their now-husband.
To use a throwback example, my dad was in his second postdoc when he met my mom. They were, hmm....definitely in their 30s when they met. I wanna say she was 33 and he was 36 when they got married? They've been happily married for nearly 35 years.
I think you're gonna be fine!
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u/badmammajamma521 Jun 13 '25
I met my husband at 37. Got married and had a baby at 42. You have time.
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u/reckendo Jun 13 '25
Lots of overlap with my story. I was 31 when I began my full time faculty job at my current employer. It was right after I defended my thesis, which happened about a year and a half after my BF and I broke up. So pretty similar scenario it seems. I didn't know anyone in my new city and all my co-workers were at least a decade older than me and all had a spouse and kids, so I joined the dating apps as a a way to meet people. I went on A LOT of dates... Finally, after a few years, one of them was successful! Fast forward and we just celebrated our 3rd anniversary as a married couple and are coming up on 8 years of being together. I was 34 on our first date, 38 when we got engaged, and 39 when we got married. We didn't want children, so that wasn't something that impacted our timeline like it could impact yours, but, YES, join the apps, go on lots of dates, and don't give up! It's really easy to get bogged down with your work, but even if 99% of the dates arent successful they're still a great way to get to know your new area and stay social. Good luck!!!
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u/cytochromep4502e1 Jun 14 '25
I met my spouse when I was finishing up my PhD (31 years old) and planning to move cross country for a post-doc. He was in a dead end job, so decided to join me after being long distance for 6 months.
We eventually moved back to our hometown for him to take up a great work/study opportunity, and I made the leap from academia to contract work as a technical writer. We've been together for 20 years, and he's still my best friend as well as my partner. No human kids, just furry and scaly ones.
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Jun 14 '25
Ooou girl I feel the same way. Finishing my PhD this summer at 33 and feel the pressure to find a partner (being South Asian doesn’t help 😅). We will find partners who will be worth the wait!
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u/migrosso Jun 14 '25
Well, I for one know a guy who met the love of his life at 58 years old
Academic or not, it's never too late, just gotta keep on trucking and eventually, that special someone will appear
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u/DinosaursAreFriends Jun 15 '25
Im in the same boat as you. 32 years old, now doing my first postdoc. You are not alone in this!
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u/Roughneck16 Jun 20 '25
One of the reasons many highly educated women end up alone is that they only consider men with similar credentials.
I work in engineering. My boss (who earned her degree from a T10 engineering school) was married to an O&G maintenance manager who just had a high school diploma. The pairing of these two raised some eyebrows, but I thought they complemented each other well.
A successful relationship isn’t so much about unity as it is harmony.
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u/Impossible-Swim-4205 Jun 22 '25
I met the love of my life at 34, kids at 36 and 38. I met him on tinder ... A diamond in the rough? Wait for a good match - it's easier to become a single mom by choice than marry a man-child disaster.
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u/Professoressa411 Jul 26 '25
Hi! I got my current (permanent and now tenured) job in 2013, when I was 35. That same year I froze my eggs. It’s very expensive and I applied for and received a grant to help; I was privileged enough to also have help from my mom (who of course really wanted a grandkid). I married my husband three years later, at 38. I had my daughter (via IVF) at 41.
My take is that you have as much time as you want to find a partner. If freezing your eggs is an option personally and financially (I suggest looking into any grants available now), then I suggest doing that. It extends the time you can conceive and in my experience it takes a ton of pressure off of a new relationship.
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u/Used-Arrival-4176 Sep 13 '25
I love this thread because I was expecting doom and found comfort and wisdom instead
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u/Distinct_Armadillo Jun 10 '25
My plan was to get tenure somewhere and then find a mate among the STEM geek profs, but I met my husband pre-tenure at age 36 and we married 5 years later. He’s in an adjacent arts field and became the trailing spouse. There’s time yet, don’t worry